dear kelly clarkson | part 1

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. The time has come for some tough love from Miss B.

Before I launch though, let me just say that I applaud you for not caving into what must be a huge amount of industry pressure to be the size of a twig. I kind of like the fact that there is a 20-something celebrity out there who actually looks like a normal-curvy-not-off-the-rack American woman. So, good for you!

Now, that being said...

...we really need to talk.

Okay, first things first. This isn't about weight, it's about wearing things that flatter your pear shaped body. Yes, I said "pear"...as in fruit...you know, small at the top, wide at the bootimus maximus. Which simply means, wear tops that visually broaden your shoulders and cut in at your rib cage. Let me sum up...

And second, if you're going to wear jeans, which you probably are because you're a rock star, then for pete's sake, wear jeans that aren't 6 inches longer than your leg and rippling on your thighs. Little tip: if you wear heels, it elongates the leg, makes your fanny pack look smaller and takes care of the surplus denim that is currently pooling on the floor. M'kay?

Maybe it would be helpful to take a look at some of your past fashion faux paus.
Then again, maybe not.

1. Pear. See above.
2. Kelly: "I think if I wear these camouflage pants and yank my fishnets up over my head, no one will notice I've gained a little weight". Not workin' darlin' and honestly, no one wants to see a pasty white dough ball unless they are rolling through the Krispy Kreme drive through. So cover up your tummy and wear some pants that don't make you look 3x bigger than you actually are.
3. No. This doesn't draw attention to your well-upholstered tuchas at all. Good grief...what were you thinking?!!! Don't ever do that again.
4. And, never...ever wear a knit dress-top-thing with pockets that hit right at your thighs. It's equivalent to a 42DD wearing a padded bra. No need to gild the lily sweetie.

BTW, I think you're fabulous. Seems like you're pretty comfortable in your own skin and that's a miracle considering the business you're in. Anyhoo...here are some ideas for "concert-wear". Stay tuned for hair and la-dee-da-duds in part two.

Don't forget to eat your veggies. Remember, spinach is the broom of the stomach.

Fondly, Miss B.