Miss Bea Heyvin: dear shawn johnson

Okay little firecracker. We need to sit your cute smidge of a 4'9" patoot down and have a little confab. As a sidebar though, I would have to say that this has been the hardest makeover I've done so far in my career...[my career being since...uh...March]. Anyway, I launched into this thinking, no biggie. How hard could it be to find clothes suitable for...

#1...a seventeen year old
#2...a seventeen year old who is the size of an oompah-loompah
#3...a seventeen year old, the size of an oompah-loompah who just happens to be an olympic medalist and built like a Carden Loyd tankette [I mean that with the utmost respect, really]

So before I get to it , can I just say kudos to the state of Iowa for producing my absolute favorite food on the planet...butter. And mongo-kudos for figuring out that you could sculpt the stuff into a life size statue. I think that may be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. [tears*]

Then the other thing I need to say is that I realize that critiquing America's sweetheart is tantamount to kickin' a fresh road apple on a hot day, but sometimes you just have to do the job and worry about cleaning your boots later.

All right little miss...here's the thing. You've probably spent most of your life in the gym, so actually dressing in real people clothes hasn't been a top priority. I get that. But now that you ARE an Olympic medalists and you've won 'Dancing With The Stars', you can't exactly show up to A-list celebrity events in a leotard and sweats. Although, that may have been preferrable to what you actually did pull out of the closet. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm just sayin'...

So let's take a look at your 2009 foray into the celebrity spotlight.

Yea...hmmm...a couple of thoughts here:
1)Purchase a journal and start a list entitled "Things I Should Never Do Again". Write in "tube top" or "anything resembling a tube top" between bikini wax and selling my butter sculpture on eBay. With your body shape, I would always lean toward deep "V" necklines and stay away from long hemlines...especially if they are made from your grandmother's shower curtain. We need to see some leg. It will make you look taller...that some growth hormones and a step stool.

2)If you were going for "American Gladiators meet The Transformers" then pat yourself on the back for a job well done. So see if this makes any sense...because of how muscular your legs are, you need to really pay attention to your shoes and hemlines. I would suggest wearing shoes that don't visually cut across the foot or ankle, thus creating a longer leg line...and then fabrics that move and dress shapes/hemlines that float away from your body.

3)Then lastly, if I were a betting woman, which I'm not because I'm baptist...but if I were, I would bet dollars to donuts that the dress you wore to the Espy Awards was your mom's. It looks like a regular size misses dress that someone double stick taped to your petite torso. Remember that list from #1? Yea. Never wear your mom's stuff...write it on the list and tatoo it on your forehead.

So here are some examples of what I was talking about. Dresses with deep "V" necklines and swingy fabrics...shoes that visually extend all the way to your toes.

Oh...and regarding accessories...if I were you honey, I'd be wearing those medals till the cows come home. You earned 'em. Wear 'em with pride.