05 July 2010

dear jessica simpson

Honey...when you start to look like an Oompa Loompa, it's time to hire a new stylist. Seriously, I don't know who's turn it was to watch her, but whoever let her out of the house like this must have been binging on NyQuil the night before.

[BIG sigh]...I guess the obvious would be a good place to start.

1)Okay...we're not even going to get into a discussion about how the heck you ever became a celebrity in the first place...I'm not trying to be mean...I'm just sayin' it's a head scratcher. Anyway, the fact is that you are a celebrity...probably a B on your way to a C-lister...although I'm certainly no expert...but I'd say somewhere between a Kim Kardashian and a Danny Bonaduce. So, I've said this before, but obviously no one is listening to me, so it bears repeating...if I...Miss Jane-Q-Public, have enough sense to not go to the grocery store without poofing my hair, applying some mascara and corraling the girls in their holster, then it seems logical that someone making their living doing...uh...whatever it is you do would think, "Oh, hey...I'm sort of a celebrity and I'm going out in public. It might be a good idea to do some window dressing, just in case any paparazzi still think they can make a buck off a picture of me".

2)Second, when you are a petite person...couple of things here. You're going to want to E-L-O-N-G-A-T-E the leg. That means sweetie, no capris and most definitely, no capris with gladiator sandals that cut you off at the ankles. Proportion is everything for the height-challenged. That being said, do you really need a bag the size of Rhode Island? Unless you're packing for Armageddon, just carry the essentials...uhmmm...what normal people would consider the essentials...lipstick, iPhone, mascara, car keys, gum and some credit cards...not a years supply of Pop Tarts and JuJuBees.

3)And lastly...a Willie Nelson t-shirt? Really? My Uncle Skeeter wore a Willie Nelson t-shirt...the same one...for years...and years...literally, ever since I'd known him. God love 'em. He passed away last year. Choked on a chicken bone at the Annual Metamucil Horseshoes and Donkey Dayz. Anyway...lose the t-shirt sweetie. No one is buying that "I'm Into Country Music Now" thing anyway.

I think every gal should have a couple "go-to" summer dresses that you can throw on with a little jeans jacket and a pair of cute sandals. So here's a look I created with that in mind.

I can't wait to get on the road again, Miss Bea

2 comments:

MarilynT said...

Here's the thing that bugs me most about Ms. Simpson. She annoys me NO end as a person, but...I like a lot of "her" clothes and shoes -- I mean the Jessica Simpson brand. Style challenge, Miss Bea! Re-style Jessica in her own label...clothes one would think she clearly has ready access to!

SKW said...

The purse and shoes in this look are from her accessories line. I have to admit though that I snub my fashion nose whenever I see her name on something. Kind of like it's not "real" fashion...but I do agree with you that some of her stuff is really cute.

I wonder how much of it she has input into...I'm thinking that she probably just has some incredible backroom designers schlepping out great stuff for her.

...at least, that's my opinion, cuz she doesn't seem to have the brains of a gnat.