dear jesse james

If I might have a word...or two, allow me to quote Julia Roberts from the movie Pretty Woman...erhumm...

"Big mistake...BIG...HUGE!" Living well really is the best revenge, Miss Bea

dear sandra bullock

good for you sweetie...you looked gorgeous!

long time no see!

Ugh...i need to get my priorities straight. My job-job has been consuming way too much of my time. I really hate when that happens.

Remember back to the 2010 Golden Globes? Well, hopefully y'all are good with a 'better late than never' scenario. And i'm sure you're all surprised to discover that I have an opinion about what celebs wore to that.

...insert the sound of crickets here...

...right...

Anyhoo, coming in at numero el-three-o on the 'what were you thinking' list is Fergie...who decided to give us all a case of style whip-lash by showing up in this little number.

When I looked at this the first time I thought, "Is she recycling prom dresses"? The whole thing just didn't look like anything she would ever wear...a little too Easter egg meets Bridesmaid Barbie for me. I'd have recommended something a little more edgy...appropriate for the occasion, but keeping with her funky rocker chick style. I think this lace jump suit from Stella McCartney would be perfect.

Second runner up is Sandra Bullock, who also chose to pay homage to Easter by wearing this dress made out of recycled cellophane Easter grass:

No...I'm kidding...I really have no idea what it's made out of. But it certainly looks like something that would ignite if you got too close to an open flame. My fashion advice for Sandra comes straight from the lips of my dear auntie Mavis-Arlene, who always told me that if it looks like a turd, smells like a turd and squishes through your toes like a turd...then chances are, it's probably a turd. I think this dress may qualify. Not trying to be mean...I'm just sayin'...

First runner up in the Miss Bea Heyvin 'what were you thinking' fashion list is Patricia Arquette.

...wow...this is probably hands down the ugliest, unflattering dress I think I've ever seen. And that's saying alot when the fashion benchmark for me is garage sales and WalMart. I think when you're a little fuller figured and height challenged, a shorter dress that shows some leg, and an off-the-shoulder silhouette can help to balance all the craziness going on in the middle.

And last, but certainly not least...the weiner is...

Mariah Carey!!!  For best impersonation of a stuffed sausage on the Golden Globes red carpet. When the invitation said 'Golden Globes B.Y.O.B.', Mariah was the only celebrity who thought it referred to her...uh...bodacious boobatude. oh Mariah...my fashion tip for you would be, go up a size sweetie. You're the only one who still thinks you're a size 4.

   

I had a vision of love, Miss Bea

dear sandra bullock

Sandra...

Sandy...

Dee Dee...sweetie...

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!!

Why, oh why would you ever think this was a good idea to wear for your interview with Jimmy Kimmel...on national television no less?

I'm almost speechless...

...'almost'...er hum...

A couple thoughts:

1)Make a mental note, blouson tops never, ever look good on anyone who has any amount of chest or thigh amplitude. In fact I think the word 'blouson' is actually french for 'let's blow something up and make it appear bigger than it is'. You know how the french are...always putting a sauce on something or getting all blistered and making a big tadoo over nothing. Anyway, back to blouson tops...the waist gets lost and you end up looking like a tank...and nobody wants that.

2)Speaking of tanks, you should probably stay away from any color that even remotely looks like camouflage and baby poo. Unless you're planning to leave right after the show for paratrooper patrol.

3)I think the last time I saw that amount of wrinkles in one place was when the Super Sixties took a caravan of motor coaches to Branson for the weekend. If you're contemplating sitting, then you better re-think the silk jumpsuit deal.

Here's what I would suggest for you instead of the jumpsuit...however, if I were your stylist...which I'm not...but if I were, I would probably have recommended another color that was more television friendly.

Lastly, I want you to know that I think you're fabulous. As far as I can tell, you seem to handle your celebrity loosely and don't take yourself too seriously. I've seen you go up against the likes of Letterman and Jon Stewart and totally hold your own. If you could just find a better stylist...

hmmmm...that gives me an idea...

xoxo, Miss Bea