dear tilda swinton

This is kind of like modern art to me...or pate de foie gras...or bleu cheese...or caviar. I want to like it, really I do, but while everyone else in the room is oooing and aahhhhing or making yummy noshing noises, I'm the one in the corner thinking, "How is a ball of yarn in the middle of the floor art?" or "This tastes like goose poop on a cracker" or "I think this is moldy" or "Wow this is awful. It tastes like Fish-flavored PopRocks". I don't really think of myself as an uncultured neanderthal, but maybe I am. Is it tacky that I prefer Milkduds over Beluga caviar? I suppose so...heavy sigh...

So, I came across this photo layout of Tilda Swinton in the 2011 August issue of "W". I know, I know...everyone thinks she's a genius and a fashion icon, but shazam, I just don't get it. So, to display my complete and utter uncouthness, I decided to put captions under the pictures...because, well...I just can't seem to help myself. May the farce be with you, Miss Bea

Suffering from a recurring nightmare, Tilda couldn't understand why she kept
dreaming about being eaten alive by a Venus Flytrap.

Screwing her head on straight proved to Tilda
to be a little more challenging than she thought.

In the event that her modeling and acting career bombed,
Tilda kept honing her skills as a major league baseball umpire.

Tilda realized a little too late that 'using your head when kneading dough'
was not actually a literal term.

Having completed her first lesson at Mr. Chen's Karate, Tang and Sushi Bar,
Tilda set out to rid the world of nuclear energy...one Karate chop at a time.

my dear tilda

I'm a creative person...and I adore creative people. I like to think that I'm pretty open to artistic expression...whether I agree with it or not. But, I have to say, Tilda, that you leave me befuddled most of the time. I can't tell if you are ahead of the fashion curve or just plain crackers. One thing I can say, is that you really need to go on a midwest diet...or at least consider adding a daily dose of gravy to your eating regimine, cause girlfriend, you are WAY too scrawny. If you were a blue gill, you'd be used as bait.

Butter is our friend, Miss Bea.

fashion captions

Photos from the 2009 Spring Summer Issue of AnOther magazine.

Model/Actress Tilda Swinton.

Photography by Craig McDean.

La-Z-boy called. They'd like their samples back.

Tilda worked feverishly to entertain the audience with her impression

of poking her mind's eye out.

'Getting looped with super glue' didn't turn out quite as Tilda had hoped.

After lunch-binging at the 'All You Can Eat Burrito Buffet', Tilda thought it might be a good idea to travel with an ample supply of Charmin.

Tilda: "Like zis?"

Arnold: "No Tildie. If I've told you vunce, I've told you a tahzund times. You must verk veddy hahd to pump up your puny leeddle girlie ahms."