giving guide for the gift-impaired

Ahhh...'tis the season to get really honked off at people who give gifts. C'mon...isn't it true? Some of the worst arguments my husband and I have ever had has been on Christmas morning, as I'm locked in the bedroom crying after opening all the gifts he 'carefully' selected for me at the nearby 7-Eleven because that was the only store open on Christmas eve.

...Norman Rockwell should have painted a picture of that bloodbath.

It's so hard, isn't it? I really don't want to throw a knock-down-drag-out-hissy-fit, but I just can't seem to help myself. I came from a family of rock star gift givers. They may not have had alot of money, but my mom and my grandmother were keenly thoughtful about their purchases. My grandmother gave me my first charm bracelet, my first birthstone ring, my first Thumbalina doll, my first pink ballerina music box...

...sigh...the best...

My husband's family, on the other hand, the day before Christmas, would pull down the jar of S&H green stamps, that always sat on top of their harvest gold refrigerator, and everyone in the family would set around the kitchen table licking and sticking those stamps in the S&H booklets, in order to go to the S&H greenstamp store to redeem the booklets for gifts.

...you think I'm kidding, but I actually participated one year when my husband and I were still dating. And why it never dawned on me that this scenario would be the backdrop to my own future holiday gift mine fields, remains a head thumping mystery to me to this day.

Anyhoo...I thought it might be helpful for those spouses or significant others who lean toward being a tad 'gift-giving-challenged', to have a few helpful tips to guide their selections this Christmas.

Miss Bea's Top Ten Gift-Giving Tips:

1. No appliances. Ever. Period. The only exception to this is if she asks for one of those really cool KitchenAid Artisan Stand Mixers in Pistachio.
2. If your wife does ask for a  KitchenAid Artisan Stand Mixer in Pistachio, do not, I repeat, DO NOT substitute some no name infomercial green mixer you just happened to see while switching between Big Time Wrestling and the Chuck Norris movie marathon. If you have to dial a phone number that starts with "1-800", trust me, it's not going to go well for you.
3. If you can buy a 60" wide screen tv with surround sound, picture-in-picture and the matching Lazy Boy recliner with stainless steel cup holders...just for kicks and giggles, then don't even blow one brain cell waffling over whether to buy the 1/2 or full carat diamond earrings. Put on your big boy pants and hand the nice sales lady your credit card.
4. Any fragrance that markets itself as "Smells Just Like Chanel No. 5"...is just going to get you into a whole lot of hooey. So just spring for the real stuff already.
5. If you're debating about getting her a Spa gift certificate or a membership to Gold's Gym, go with the Spa gift certificate if you ever want to walk upright again.
6. Any woman with a modicum of self-respect knows that Victoria's Secret is a freekin' rip off and totally marketed to men. So trust me when I tell you, that the swarovski encrusted thong that looked so hot in the VS catalogue, is just going to ride up in her lady parts and make her all kinds of cranky.
7. If you're contemplating giving her a little weekend get-away-gift, just know that her idea of what that might entail will NOT include a foam 'we're-number-one' finger, body paint and tickets to the Final Four.
8. Beer-Of-The-Month-Club, Cheese-Of-The-Month-Club, Cookbook-Of-The-Month-Club...basically anything that ends in 'of-the-month-club' should immediately be dismissed. The only exception to this would be chocolate, diamonds or designer shoes.
9. She does not want a snuggie, even if Louis Vuitton makes one, she doesn't want it. For that matter, anything that sports the tag "One Size Fits Most" is a ding.
10. Do not get her a nutcracker unless you want her to use it.

Why men won't ask for directions is a mystery for the ages. I'd ask God about it, but I don't think He even knows. That being said, my best and most practical advice is to get over yourself. If you don't know what to get your special someone, then be a real man and ask for a list. Trust me. No one ever suffered a concussion from a baseball bat to the head from using a Christmas gift list.

These are a few of my favorite things, Merry Christmas everyone! Miss Bea.