21 January 2015

miss bea heyvin's golden gloat awards

Anyone else think this year's GG red carpet was a major snooze-fest? I could barely keep my eyes open, and that was after 5 Red Bulls and a cold shower. I mean...I get that everyone is keeping the really good stuff for the Academy Awards, but come on. It's not like there aren't enough dresses to go around out there.

So to put money where my mouth is, I decided to see for myself just how hard it might be to find something to wear to the Globes. And unless it's beneath you to wear something 'off-the-rack", I found it's really not that difficult.

So...here we go with the 2015 Miss Bea Heyvin's Golden Gloat Awards. woo-de-hoo!

Voted most likely to actually re-wear a bridesmaid dress...and the award goes to...

Oh Julianne...this is one of those head scratchers for me. Not only is this dress uninspired, why would a designer with even a modicum of sense put a seam 12 inches from the hemline?  As my favorite Old House carpenter Norm Abram says, "Measure twice, cut once." Comprende? So, there's this wonderful vintage boutique called "Dear Golden" in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Look at this dress from the 1950's...now that would have been the dress to wear and probably at a fraction of the cost.

Next up...winner of the John Boehner lifetime self tanner achievement award goes to...

Step away from the baby oil and the self tanning booth Heidi. Orange is not the new tan.

Voted most likely to still be in character...and the winner is?

Meryl...seriously. If you want to wear black and white, call Carolina Herrera, not the pope.
Carolina Herrera @ Neiman Marcus

First runner up in this category goes to Keira Knightley.

This is the Golden Globes, not a Jane Austen historic re-enactment. Knightley was quoted as saying that it took 30 people one week to create this dress. (insert the deafening sound of crickets here). I'm not sure what that says about the Valentino design staff or work room, but if it were me and I pulled this thing out of a shipping box the day of an event, I'd be having an apocalyptic meltdown. If it's ruffles you're after, check out this Dolce & Gabbana number (sans those ginormous ear thwackers).

Next category...most likely to be channeling Bea Arthur...and the winner is?

Just a tip...JLo sweetie, if you're going to wear Zuhair Murad, then wear Zuhair Murad.

Zuhair Murad @ Neiman Marcus
Next...most likely to never wear Vera Wang again...ever...like...never never ever.

Rosamund...dear Rosamund. For being 'post-baby', let me say that you look fantastic. But this dress is ill-fitting and awful. The only person it would look good on is...let me think...it would look good on...hmmmm...okay, maybe...no...how about...sigh...there really is no one this would look good on. This may sound strong, but I have very little respect for a designer that allows a client to wear something like this...out in public. You should be ashamed of yourself Vera Wang! Next time Rosamund, go with someone like Emilia Wickstead who still has the fashion sense God gave her.

Emilia Wickstead @ Net-a-Porter
Best impression of someone who's bladder just dialed 911...

If I ever write a book on fashion tips, one of the first suggestions will be, "If you're shaped like a barrel, then don't wear one." Zac Posen or not Lena, this is a terrible silhouette. Just because it's a designer dress doesn't mean you should wear it.

Bloomingdales $74
And then a couple general comments...

Nice first try Mrs. Clooney, but 'meh'...

I would think that Christian Dior would be a safe choice for the red carpet, but this style has been done to death. If I can find a similar gown on Amazon for $49, then it goes without saying that you might want to hit the refresh fashion button. I'm sure you'll figure it out and be knocking it out of the park next time around.

Amazon $49

Although I'm not a total fan of this dress, I have to say that Melissa McCarthy looks the best that I've ever seen her look on the red carpet. Makeup and lip color is so lovely. You go girl!

See you at the Oscar's kids! Miss Bea

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