Dear Renee Zellweger~
Did you not have this event on your calendar? Did someone call at the last minute and say, "Hey, I snagged a couple of tix for the American Ballet opening gala, wanna come? Of all things, please don't tell me you've been soliciting fashion advice from Cameron Diaz and Mischa Barton. Good grief. What were you thinking?!! You obviously know you're a celebrity, right? And even I know that if you aren't coiffed, spanxed, plucked and lacquered to within an inch of your life, then for heavens sake, don't step foot on a red carpet where every photog looking for a sellable star shot is going to be clicking off frames. They have other entrances you know. I will say that the gown was lovely...in a murky mud sagey-tealey kind of way, but a gown and a Victoria Beckham pose does not a glam-goddess make. Not to be cruel my dear, but it looks like you rolled out of bed, grabbed the first gown you saw at Bergdorf's and got dressed in a taxi. I mean really, you aren't even wearing any jewelry and your hair is...it's...it's...oh my goodness...it's so bad I can't even think of anything to say! Seriously, is that a rubberband? If you do have a stylist...fire him/her. If you have a stylist and you thought you'd save a couple bucks by not using them...trust me, next time pay the chump change, cuz you shouldn't be dressing yourself. Plan ahead honey. It's cute when it's Bridget Jones, but that tousled-naive-i-don't-have-any-fashion-sense-schtick doesn't play in the real world.
Respectfully yours, Miss B.
PS/A few suggestions for next time.
