dear j lo

J Lo...sweetie...the time has come...

you're 40...give or take

you have 2 children...

and unless you're contemplating a new career as a stuffed sausage impersonator for Hormel...this type of look has got to go. Seriously. Whoever told you this was a good idea had a side bet going with your husband.

I will, however, give you props for not being ashamed of your body. Certainly you, Kim Kardashian and Beyonce have expanded (for lack of a better word) the world's acceptance of the 'bootymus maximus'...but-t-t-t-t, there comes a time for all of us when we realize that no amount of squats or spanx or suction or spandex is going to hoist our hineys back to where they were 20 years ago.

case in point...

ugh...whether gossip or truth, I think I remember hearing a few years back, when you were dating Affleck, that you had derriere insurance...

"In 1999, tabloids on both sides of the Atlantic — The Sun in London and the New York Post — ran articles claiming that Jennifer Lopez had indemnified her body — her entire body, please note — to the tune of $1 billion. Even though pound-for-pound the singer's boobs fetched a more generous appraisal than her hiney ($100 million per breast vs. $300 million for legs and buttocks combined, according to the Post), word on the street soon had it that the "abundant butt" alone was valued at a cool billion." ~David Emery www.about.com

I don't want to sound mean, but I think that bus has left the theme park. My advice to you would be to gather around yourself some real friends who will help you honestly evaluate your 'assets', and then adjust or as they say in the biz...'reinvent yourself' and go on. And I'd also save yourself some money and cancel that insurance premium...cause the day of 'shake that money maker' is fastly approaching debit status...oh...and for goodness sake...how much do you have to pay someone to not only heft your hoo-haw around the stage, but actually stick their face in it? I'm imagining this guy thinking to himself, "Gee, my parents must be so proud. All those years of classical dance training and here I am...I've made it to the big time...with my face hunkered into J.Lo's kibbles and bits." It's times like these that one ponders whether their career choice was actually better than working the late night drive-through at McD's.


Anyhoo...if I were your stylist, I would recommend this as an alternative. I definitely believe that looking sexy has very little to do with blatant exposure. Give us a break sweetie and leave a little el mysterio for the imagination-o. Comprende ahora?


Hasta go now...Miss Bea