fashion riddle #79

What does Kim Kardashian...

and a German sausage...

have in common?

She's packed tighter than a Weisswurst at Oktoberfest. Das ist un heiny biggen. Just sayin'...

whale watch

This may seem blatantly obvious, but I guess it bears repeating.

In the event that you didn't notice or no one has told you, YOU'RE PREGNANT. What that means is that you cannot fit into regular clothing anymore. So please, please do us all a favor and stop trying.

Ladies...take note...THIS is the way to do pregnant. Nobody wants to see all your jiggly bits, so either stay inside for the remainder of your pregnancy or call Rent-A-Tent and purchase some clothing that fits appropriately.

Is Kate Middleton a doll or what? Miss Bea

Styled for Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson by Miss Bea Heyvin

dear kim kardashian

Could someone remind me again why the Kardashian's are celebrities? I can't quite figure it out. They don't really..."do"...anything, right? I mean, maybe I missed something. Well...let me just go through my celebrity checklist...

Film or television actor?  mmm...no.
Child of film or television actor? huh-uh.
Married to a film or television actor? nah.
Fashion model?  nope.
Child of fashion model? no.
Professional athlete? Bruce yes. The rest of them, hardly.
Successful musician? nope.
Married to a successful musician? huh-uh.
Have enriched society in some philanthropic way? I can actually hear my brain cells screaming after viewing even a couple minutes of Keeping Up With The Kardashian's...so that would be a firm oh heck no.

Which leads me to this...

...it's kind of like a garbage bag mated with a yoga-tard. I can't believe Kanye let her leave the house like that. But then again, maybe he was busy practicing the phrase, "Imma let you finish", in the event that he was going to have to interrupt Taylor Swift again.

Anyway...if it were me, I would have styled her in this little number from designer Georges Chakra. Imma go now...Miss Bea

girls...we need to talk

It has recently come to my attention that it might not be a bad idea to have "the talk"...you know the one...where your mom sits you down...

nervously nibbles at a nasty hangnail...

sighs in resignation...

and tells you the facts of life...

about leather pants.

Tyra Banks . Kim Kardashian . Katie Holmes

Yes. I'm talkin' unforgiving, yeast producing, bovine blistering luh-hea-thuh pants. So a couple fashion tips for anyone considering purchasing or wearing a pair...


er hum...


1)Unless Gisele Budchen loaned you her legs, or you have the petite little body of a Victoria Beckham, skip the leather jumpsuit and sink the money into a nice purse and support bra. Tyra-dear...yea, I'm talkin' to you.

2)If it looks like the cow is still in the leather pants after you've put them on, you might want to consider changing into some spanx and a caftan. Get the picture Kimmie?

3)If it even remotely appears that your leather pants may have been borrowed from your husband's side of the closet...either buy your own or wear some boots. Katie-buy a friggin' clue.

4)When purchasing leather pants, it's not a good sign if the cashier offers you a complimentary shoe horn, a tube of Vaseline and a 6 month supply of Vagisil. Just take that as a sign to put the pants back on the rack. Your vagina will thank you later.

Ladies...now listen up...not everyone looks good in everything. We all have figure flaws and figure "assets"...some of us larger than others. But hey, the key is not to bemoan the flaws, but to enhance the good. So, save a cow...the veganistas will love you! Miss Bea

Styled for Tyra Banks . Katie Holmes . Kim Kardashian
by Miss Bea Heyvin