whale watch

This may seem blatantly obvious, but I guess it bears repeating.

In the event that you didn't notice or no one has told you, YOU'RE PREGNANT. What that means is that you cannot fit into regular clothing anymore. So please, please do us all a favor and stop trying.

Ladies...take note...THIS is the way to do pregnant. Nobody wants to see all your jiggly bits, so either stay inside for the remainder of your pregnancy or call Rent-A-Tent and purchase some clothing that fits appropriately.

Is Kate Middleton a doll or what? Miss Bea

Styled for Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson by Miss Bea Heyvin

dear jessica simpson

Honey...when you start to look like an Oompa Loompa, it's time to hire a new stylist. Seriously, I don't know who's turn it was to watch her, but whoever let her out of the house like this must have been binging on NyQuil the night before.

[BIG sigh]...I guess the obvious would be a good place to start.

1)Okay...we're not even going to get into a discussion about how the heck you ever became a celebrity in the first place...I'm not trying to be mean...I'm just sayin' it's a head scratcher. Anyway, the fact is that you are a celebrity...probably a B on your way to a C-lister...although I'm certainly no expert...but I'd say somewhere between a Kim Kardashian and a Danny Bonaduce. So, I've said this before, but obviously no one is listening to me, so it bears repeating...if I...Miss Jane-Q-Public, have enough sense to not go to the grocery store without poofing my hair, applying some mascara and corraling the girls in their holster, then it seems logical that someone making their living doing...uh...whatever it is you do would think, "Oh, hey...I'm sort of a celebrity and I'm going out in public. It might be a good idea to do some window dressing, just in case any paparazzi still think they can make a buck off a picture of me".

2)Second, when you are a petite person...couple of things here. You're going to want to E-L-O-N-G-A-T-E the leg. That means sweetie, no capris and most definitely, no capris with gladiator sandals that cut you off at the ankles. Proportion is everything for the height-challenged. That being said, do you really need a bag the size of Rhode Island? Unless you're packing for Armageddon, just carry the essentials...uhmmm...what normal people would consider the essentials...lipstick, iPhone, mascara, car keys, gum and some credit cards...not a years supply of Pop Tarts and JuJuBees.

3)And lastly...a Willie Nelson t-shirt? Really? My Uncle Skeeter wore a Willie Nelson t-shirt...the same one...for years...and years...literally, ever since I'd known him. God love 'em. He passed away last year. Choked on a chicken bone at the Annual Metamucil Horseshoes and Donkey Dayz. Anyway...lose the t-shirt sweetie. No one is buying that "I'm Into Country Music Now" thing anyway.

I think every gal should have a couple "go-to" summer dresses that you can throw on with a little jeans jacket and a pair of cute sandals. So here's a look I created with that in mind.

I can't wait to get on the road again, Miss Bea

Day Dresses at Net-a-Porter
Bracelets by New Look

dear jessica simpson

Okay Jessica...here's the deal. I didn't jump on the bandwagon when everyone was all in a dither about your weight gain and that picture of you in those high waisted jeans was plastered across every tabloid in town. But, after I saw this latest photo of you over July 4th at Tiger's golf tournament, I thought, "Bless her heart. For someone who has her own clothing line, I don't think she has the brains God gave a gnat."

So, first of all...horizontal stripes? Are you kidding? Unless you're in prison honey, NO ONE wears horizontal stripes, especially as height-challenged as you are. I get that it was a patriotic event and you were singing the national anthem...thus the red-blue stripes...I get it. But, honestly, if it's a toss up between, "Hmmm, this red-blue striped dress is patriotic-looking or Hmmm, my badonkadonk looks like a watermelon in this, maybe I should wear a different color"...go with the second option. This is just a guess, but I'm thinking that pretty much everyone there wasn't paying any attention whatsoever as to whether you matched the flag or not. And if you're dead set on wearing stripes, then choose something like this from designer Rubin Singer. Thinner vertical stripes...pretty floaty fabric, and a hemline that hits just above the knee. ABOVE the knee...really important for little people to remember.

Second bit of advice, never ever wear a knit dress when you have that many curves. Especially a dress that makes you look like a stuffed kielbasa.

Third, when the captain of the Color Guard barked, "Attention!"...he wasn't talking to you. So slap on a bra sweetie. No one is interested in seeing your girls salute Old Glory.
If I were your stylist, which I'm not, but if I were...this is what I would suggest you wear.

God bless America, cause man we need it, Miss B.