dear jessica simpson

Okay Jessica...here's the deal. I didn't jump on the bandwagon when everyone was all in a dither about your weight gain and that picture of you in those high waisted jeans was plastered across every tabloid in town. But, after I saw this latest photo of you over July 4th at Tiger's golf tournament, I thought, "Bless her heart. For someone who has her own clothing line, I don't think she has the brains God gave a gnat."

So, first of all...horizontal stripes? Are you kidding? Unless you're in prison honey, NO ONE wears horizontal stripes, especially as height-challenged as you are. I get that it was a patriotic event and you were singing the national anthem...thus the red-blue stripes...I get it. But, honestly, if it's a toss up between, "Hmmm, this red-blue striped dress is patriotic-looking or Hmmm, my badonkadonk looks like a watermelon in this, maybe I should wear a different color"...go with the second option. This is just a guess, but I'm thinking that pretty much everyone there wasn't paying any attention whatsoever as to whether you matched the flag or not. And if you're dead set on wearing stripes, then choose something like this from designer Rubin Singer. Thinner vertical stripes...pretty floaty fabric, and a hemline that hits just above the knee. ABOVE the knee...really important for little people to remember.

Second bit of advice, never ever wear a knit dress when you have that many curves. Especially a dress that makes you look like a stuffed kielbasa.

Third, when the captain of the Color Guard barked, "Attention!"...he wasn't talking to you. So slap on a bra sweetie. No one is interested in seeing your girls salute Old Glory.
If I were your stylist, which I'm not, but if I were...this is what I would suggest you wear.

God bless America, cause man we need it, Miss B.