a different kind of hoe down in Vegas

So the Academy of Country Music awards was last weekend. The reason I know this is that it pre-empted one of my favorite shows, The Amazing Race. So with that in mind, I have to say I was a little tweaked going into the thing...even before viewing the red carpet fashion...which, by the way was...ick-to-infinity. Do they not use stylists in Nashville? Like maybe Carrie Underwood does, but the rest I think shop Loretta Lynn's yard sales and call it a day. And Jennifer Nettles...be warned...you have now shot to number one on my "What Was She Thinking??!!!" list. Anyway, here's the run down on the hoe down in Vegas.

First up, Carrie Underwood. Usually I love whatever she wears, but this just does nothing for her. It reminds me of purple pup tent with a sequined fanny pack. So, many other gorgeous purple gowns out this season, especially by Andrew Gn and Monique Lhuillier (psst...the gal who made your wedding gown...call her, m'kay?)

Pamela Roland, Monique Lhuillier and Andrew Gn

Then we have Miranda Lambert in way-off-white. The straps on this needed to be taken up and the huge sequined belt just accentuated her apple shape. Not the best pick for her.

Badgely Mischka, Carmen Marc Valvo, Marchesa, Elie Saab

Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum. What a gorgeous girl. Hair and makeup spot on, but I think I hate this dress just about as much as when my mom made me wear double crinolines Easter of '62. Try sitting down in that and not showing your underwear. Anyway...this dress is just awful.

It looks like an Esther Williams long line bathing suit. 

Yea...you thought I was totally making that up...Miss Bea is not playin'.

Anyway, an A-line shape with fabrics that flow would have been a much better choice, I think.

Monique Lihuillier, Chad Ralph Rucci and Pamela Roland

Last, and certainly someone who should know better is Nicole Kidman.

We get it. You're super thin. You like tailored clothes...blah blah blah. But this is so severe. And good luck going to the ladies room in that...hopefully you brought a shoe horn and a vat of vaseline. Anyway, there are plenty of tailored dresses out there that would be so much more flattering. Just because you can wear something that's skin tight, doesn't mean you should. Little fashion tip...make nice with designer Erin Fetherston and wear her stuff all-the-time. It would look fabulous on you.

Erin Fetherstone, Behnaz Sarafpour and Pamela Roland (again)

Don't it make your brown eyes, blue...Miss Bea

dear wynona and naomi

Riddle for you...er hummm...

What do you get when you cross a 24 hour Cheetos binge and a Matrix/Gone WithThe Wind movie marathon?

Lord love a duck, if you two don't look like cartoon characters. A couple fashion tips here...just a couple cause I need to get to work.

1)If your hair and makeup look like you dove head long into a vat of Cheese Whiz...that's not good. Monochromaticism can be very elegant but I can't say I've ever heard that said of a Jack-o-lantern. 

2)The "making-a-dress-out-of-window-curtains" is so Civil War...and we Yankees know how y'awl still feel about that whole deal. Naomi, let by gones be by gones and for heavens sake, let that dress be "bye and gone".

3)Wynona...sweetie...unless you're looking to be on PETA's most wanted list, you might want to re-think ever wearing that much leather...at one time...in one place...ever again.

I'd love to see both of you dial-it-down in your own individual styles, and come a little more to middle ground. The fashion-whiplash of seeing the two of you together is giving me a nasty headache.

If you must wear black Wynona, I'd love to see you try something a little more girly like this...maybe sans the feathers.

Designer Monique Lhuillier

I love Elie Saab for his ability to dress a woman's body. This gown would be my pick for Naomi.

Designer Elie Saab

Call me next time, k? And as you well know ladies...Love can build a bridge.  Miss Bea