miss bea heyvin's 2013 golden globe fashion awards

Well, I had planned to get all serious about this year's GG red carpet fashion, but then I thought...

...nah...

...so my lovelies, here it is...what you've all been waiting for...okay, so just a couple of you have been waiting for...

Miss Bea Heyvin's 2013 Golden Globe Fashion Awards!!! (insert the sound of unenthusiastic applause here)

So, first up..."Most Likely To Borrow From The Downton Wardrobe Closet Next Time"...

Michelle Dockery

For "Best Impersonation Of An Orca"...

Julianne Moore

For "Best Rerun Of A Red Carpet Look That We're All Sick To Death Of"...

...it's a tie...

Halle Barry

Jennifer Lopez

For "Best Impersonation Of An Upholstered Chair"...

Lucy Liu

...and you thought I was joking...

For "Most Likely To Cover The February Issue Of Kibbles & Bits Magazine"...

Eva Longoria

For "Best Impersonation Of A Musical Instrument"...

Nicole Kidman

For "Most Likely To Have Been Styled By A Superhero"...

Jennifer Lawrence

And finally, "Best PSA for The Blind Actors Guild"...aka BAG people.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton

Can hardly wait for the Academy Awards...(she said fiendishly) Miss Bea

wake up and smell the music

Well, the American Country Music Awards were last evening and unfortunately tacky did not take the night off. I don't know why it's always a shock to me that famous, talented people, who have the means and celebrity to dress well, end up looking like a lard bucket full of armpits. Case in point...

Leann Rimes. Does she irritate everyone else as much as she does me? It's an awards show honey, not buck-a-shot night at the Whiskey Hole.

If it were me and I was wearing a Smurf-blue suit, I think I would just quietly slip in a side door rather than parade myself in front of a bizillion photographers. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that if you can play the banjo and sing about putting a live chicken in your underwear, that you'd be allowed entrance into a country music awards show.

It appears Sara Evans borrowed Angelina Jolie's leg for the ACM awards, and the dress from Betty White. This Monique Lhuillier gown would have been killer on her.

Monique Lhuillier

Miranda...sweetie. This dress makes you look like a gilded Bartlett pear. A couple tips here:

1)Never ever ever wear a dress without some type of foundation support for the girls...cause they are heading south faster than a teenager on spring break.
2)These type of sheath dresses only look good on runway models or those who are curve-deficient. For the rest of us, we end up looking like a boa constrictor after lunch. You'd do better with something that defines your waistline and then floats away from the body. Like this little number from Ralph Lauren.

And Nicole...sigh...

I looked and looked at this picture, waffling back and forth about what was bugging me so much about it. And, I think I finally came to the conclusion that Nicole needs to wear softer, more feminine silhouettes. She has a penchant for wearing tight bodycon dresses, and with her tall, thin frame, I think it comes across too severe. And, even though she tends to wear alot of black, maybe black isn't the most flattering color on her. If you looked in the dictionary under "death eating a cracker"...well...you get where I'm going. I think something like this from Pamella Roland would be pretty on her.

So ending on a positive note. Hillary Scott. She's been on my bad side for awhile. Gorgeous girl, but just doesn't seem to know how to dress her body type. Well, wham-bam- thankyou-maam...absolute perfection last night!

And an honorable mention to Kimberley, Carrie and Taylor. Well done ladies!

Ugful

ug' ful (uhg-fuhl); the amalgam of the words 'ugly' and 'awful'. As used in a sentence: The fashion at the Golden Globes last night was 'ugful' to infinity x 2.  

...whoa...and that's my opinion after a good night's sleep, 3 cups of coffee and a humongo bowl of Captain Crunch cereal...with fat free milk of course because I am trying to cut back. But seriously, it looked like a bad remake of the movie '27 Dresses'. The last time I saw that many bridesmaid dresses in one place was when Bridalrama had a 2fer sale down at the Vets Memorial. It's almost like everyone wore their "Plan B" dress and they're saving the good stuff for the Academy Awards. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...you don't have to be a chicken to know when it's a rotten egg.

Alot of fashion insiders thought this was gorgeous. I don't get it. It seemed really contrived to me. I never thought I would say this, but Angelina sweetie, stick with black. Yes it's boring, but at least it's not this. The one thing I will say that is positive about this dress is at least if you get a lipstick smudge on the collar, you won't have to make a mad dash to the ladies room with your Tide-To-Go pen.

Elie Tahari. I'd love to see AJ in this.

Alot of ivory and blush on the red carpet this year. I don't mind soft neutrals...I think they're very classic and elegant. I just would have chosen different dresses.

Nicole Kidman in Versace...blech. Lace dress by Bibhu Mohapatra

Nicole Richie...yawn. This Emilio Pucci sheath would have been beautiful.

Kate Winslet...yuck-a-duck. I would have picked this ivory gown by Giambattista Valli for her.

*Just a little fashion tip to put in your back pocket. Dark reduces and light enlarges. So let's say your nether regions are a tad...uh...robust? Either go totally monochromatic or dark on the bottom and light on the top. Capisce?

And then someone who should have worn ivory and didn't.

Michelle Williams...bless her little vintage soul. Talk about a drapery panel waiting to happen.

This Valentino would have been so cute on her.

And now to the color portion of our show.

Natalie Portman. This fuschia gown by Martin Grant has a more modern clean silhouette.

Sarah Michelle Gellar in Monique Lhuillier. Navy gown by Jason Wu.

I usually love anything Monique Lhuillier designs, but this just looks like a drop cloth from my last painting project. I luuuuuuuv the Jason Wu dress. It would have looked gorgeous on SMG.

Reese Witherspoon. Red belted dress by Donna Karan.

"Oh hey y'awl. I saw Britney Spears at the KFC yesterday and she gave me some stylin' tips on my har and lent me this here dress. I think I'll go to the car show after this and see if I can get some work."

...alot of people thought this was a perfect choice for Reese, but I totally disagree...and I can do that, because...well, because it's my blog...see how that works? It's a beautiful thing to be queen. =)

Debra Messing. Black tulle gown by Badgley & Mischka

Tons and tons of fabric...it just seems like this adds so much visual weight to her. Doesn't Rachel Zoe usually style Debra Messing? I think maybe it's time for a little change in the lineup. The Badgley Mischka gown...how va-va-va-licious is that? I think this would have been a show stopper on her.

...so, I've run out of time, but check back in later...the Osbourne's...oh my...I think Ozzy may be styling them. Stay tuned, Miss Bea. 

BAFTA bravado

The BAFTA Awards viewing with the royals in LA was an amusing turn of events. At least I found it amusing to see Hollywood celebs clamoring for a ticket to rub shoulders with Kate and William. I guess it just goes to show that no one is immune to being starstruck.

So, I just have to give some props to Nicole Kidman, of whom has made some pretty awful fashion choices as of late. The Elie Saab gown she chose to wear was spot on perfect. The color was gorgeous on her and it was totally appropriate for the occasion. I thought she looked breathtaking.

On the other hand...the reigning poster child of People magazine's most beautiful person in the world decided this Emilio Pucci gown would be the perfect thing to wear to meet the royals.

I seriously don't understand this choice. The cut outs, the color, the fit...it's as if she called Halle Berry and asked to borrow something from her closet. Because heaven knows you want to look like a hoochie mama when you meet the future king of England. Maybe she thought she was going to Queens rather than meeting one. Good grief...use your loaf woman. I think these would have been nice appropriate options...still keeping a little JLo sizzle.

Elie Saab . Pamela Roland . Georges Chakra

And then, much to my chagrin, I have to say that i was a bit disappointed in Kate's gown choice. 

Alexander McQueen

It seems she's been wearing alot of boatneck dresses...maybe out of protocol, maybe because she wanted to wear only UK designers, I don't know...but especially when the shoulder is padded, it really doesn't enhance her upper silhouette. Makes her look very flat chested and boxy. Anyway, I would have loved to have seen her in these.

Carmen Marc Valvo

Monique Lhuillier

Elie Saab

The 2011 CMT Music Awards

I don't know if you know this or not, but celebrities don't have to walk the red carpet at an event. It's not like that's the only entrance into a theater. They can, and many do, make other arrangements...or should I say, "their people" make arrangements for them...and in the case of the next three ladies, I think it would have been in their best interest to have opted out.

I love you Shania Twain...love love love you, but what the heck were you thinking?!!! I know this isn't a major awards show, but it seems to me if you're going to present an award and walk the red carpet, you'd at least amp it up and wear something that didn't make you look like a soccer mom. Hair-ick. Makeup-blah. Shoes-ugh. Dress-potato sack. C'mon...you aren't even trying. I don't like to criticize without giving suggestions, so here are a few things I think would have put the va-va back in your voom.

Monique Lhuillier . Moshino . Pamela Roland

And then we have Nicole Kidman, styled by Stevie Wonder. wha'happened??? It's like a train wreck. You know you should look away, but you just can't help gawking at it. Lord have mercy.

Is it a top? Is it a dress? Did she forget to wear the pants? Did she dress in the dark? Did she let her kid pick out her clothes? Did she think no one would be taking pictures? This one is a real head-scratcher for me. Anyway...hire a stylist Nicole...HIRE A STYLIST!!!

Styled for Nicole Kidman by Miss Bea Heyvin

And finally we come to Kristin Chenoweth...who I thought was a Broadway gal, but I guess everyone is trying country nowadays. 

"So how hard could it be," I ask myself, "to write some lyrics for a country song?" Can't be that difficult. So, using Kristin as my muse...here are some working titles. erhummm...


1) Our Love is Like a Window (I've Closed the Curtains of My Heart To You)
2) You May Be a Coaster, But I'm Your Table Runner
3) Bangs for the Bucks (I Got The Big 'ol Forehead Blues)

and finally, as sung to the tune 'Your So Vain' by Carly Simon:

I got veins. 

They run across my head like a roadmap. 

I got veins. 

They run across my head like a roadmap, roadmap, roadmap.

Thankyou very much. I'll be here all week, Miss Bea

a different kind of hoe down in Vegas

So the Academy of Country Music awards was last weekend. The reason I know this is that it pre-empted one of my favorite shows, The Amazing Race. So with that in mind, I have to say I was a little tweaked going into the thing...even before viewing the red carpet fashion...which, by the way was...ick-to-infinity. Do they not use stylists in Nashville? Like maybe Carrie Underwood does, but the rest I think shop Loretta Lynn's yard sales and call it a day. And Jennifer Nettles...be warned...you have now shot to number one on my "What Was She Thinking??!!!" list. Anyway, here's the run down on the hoe down in Vegas.

First up, Carrie Underwood. Usually I love whatever she wears, but this just does nothing for her. It reminds me of purple pup tent with a sequined fanny pack. So, many other gorgeous purple gowns out this season, especially by Andrew Gn and Monique Lhuillier (psst...the gal who made your wedding gown...call her, m'kay?)

Pamela Roland, Monique Lhuillier and Andrew Gn

Then we have Miranda Lambert in way-off-white. The straps on this needed to be taken up and the huge sequined belt just accentuated her apple shape. Not the best pick for her.

Badgely Mischka, Carmen Marc Valvo, Marchesa, Elie Saab

Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum. What a gorgeous girl. Hair and makeup spot on, but I think I hate this dress just about as much as when my mom made me wear double crinolines Easter of '62. Try sitting down in that and not showing your underwear. Anyway...this dress is just awful.

It looks like an Esther Williams long line bathing suit. 

Yea...you thought I was totally making that up...Miss Bea is not playin'.

Anyway, an A-line shape with fabrics that flow would have been a much better choice, I think.

Monique Lihuillier, Chad Ralph Rucci and Pamela Roland

Last, and certainly someone who should know better is Nicole Kidman.

We get it. You're super thin. You like tailored clothes...blah blah blah. But this is so severe. And good luck going to the ladies room in that...hopefully you brought a shoe horn and a vat of vaseline. Anyway, there are plenty of tailored dresses out there that would be so much more flattering. Just because you can wear something that's skin tight, doesn't mean you should. Little fashion tip...make nice with designer Erin Fetherston and wear her stuff all-the-time. It would look fabulous on you.

Erin Fetherstone, Behnaz Sarafpour and Pamela Roland (again)

Don't it make your brown eyes, blue...Miss Bea