miss bea heyvin's golden gloat awards

Anyone else think this year's GG red carpet was a major snooze-fest? I could barely keep my eyes open, and that was after 5 Red Bulls and a cold shower. I mean...I get that everyone is keeping the really good stuff for the Academy Awards, but come on. It's not like there aren't enough dresses to go around out there.

So to put money where my mouth is, I decided to see for myself just how hard it might be to find something to wear to the Globes. And unless it's beneath you to wear something 'off-the-rack", I found it's really not that difficult.

So...here we go with the 2015 Miss Bea Heyvin's Golden Gloat Awards. woo-de-hoo!

Voted most likely to actually re-wear a bridesmaid dress...and the award goes to...

Oh Julianne...this is one of those head scratchers for me. Not only is this dress uninspired, why would a designer with even a modicum of sense put a seam 12 inches from the hemline?  As my favorite Old House carpenter Norm Abram says, "Measure twice, cut once." Comprende? So, there's this wonderful vintage boutique called "Dear Golden" in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Look at this dress from the 1950's...now that would have been the dress to wear and probably at a fraction of the cost.

Next up...winner of the John Boehner lifetime self tanner achievement award goes to...

Step away from the baby oil and the self tanning booth Heidi. Orange is not the new tan.

Voted most likely to still be in character...and the winner is?

Meryl...seriously. If you want to wear black and white, call Carolina Herrera, not the pope.

Carolina Herrera @ Neiman Marcus

First runner up in this category goes to Keira Knightley.

This is the Golden Globes, not a Jane Austen historic re-enactment. Knightley was quoted as saying that it took 30 people one week to create this dress. (insert the deafening sound of crickets here). I'm not sure what that says about the Valentino design staff or work room, but if it were me and I pulled this thing out of a shipping box the day of an event, I'd be having an apocalyptic meltdown. If it's ruffles you're after, check out this Dolce & Gabbana number (sans those ginormous ear thwackers).

Next category...most likely to be channeling Bea Arthur...and the winner is?

Just a tip...JLo sweetie, if you're going to wear Zuhair Murad, then wear Zuhair Murad.

Zuhair Murad @ Neiman Marcus

Next...most likely to never wear Vera Wang again...ever...like...never never ever.

Rosamund...dear Rosamund. For being 'post-baby', let me say that you look fantastic. But this dress is ill-fitting and awful. The only person it would look good on is...let me think...it would look good on...hmmmm...okay, maybe...no...how about...sigh...there really is no one this would look good on. This may sound strong, but I have very little respect for a designer that allows a client to wear something like this...out in public. You should be ashamed of yourself Vera Wang! Next time Rosamund, go with someone like Emilia Wickstead who still has the fashion sense God gave her.

Emilia Wickstead @ Net-a-Porter

Best impression of someone who's bladder just dialed 911...

If I ever write a book on fashion tips, one of the first suggestions will be, "If you're shaped like a barrel, then don't wear one." Zac Posen or not Lena, this is a terrible silhouette. Just because it's a designer dress doesn't mean you should wear it.

Bloomingdales $74

And then a couple general comments...

Nice first try Mrs. Clooney, but 'meh'...

I would think that Christian Dior would be a safe choice for the red carpet, but this style has been done to death. If I can find a similar gown on Amazon for $49, then it goes without saying that you might want to hit the refresh fashion button. I'm sure you'll figure it out and be knocking it out of the park next time around.

Amazon $49

Although I'm not a total fan of this dress, I have to say that Melissa McCarthy looks the best that I've ever seen her look on the red carpet. Makeup and lip color is so lovely. You go girl!

See you at the Oscar's kids! Miss Bea

fashion dump

Sorry kids, but all I have time for today is a quick fashion dump...so here we go!

Hmmm...well, I guess that's not too bad from the front.
But are those flanged pirate boots?

Oh good grief.

Nothing like a front crotch slit to air out your girlie bits.

Help her Obi Wan Kenobi, you're her only hope. 

Heidi Klum, you are the coolest mom ever.

Is Grease on Broadway again? I guess when in doubt,
dress like a high school cheerleader.

Wow...I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of
wish she had dressed like a high school cheerleader.

Kim, please stop. I'm begging you.

dear heidi klum

Not a great week in the fashion life of Heidi Klum. I feel a little like when I went to the county fair and rode the tilt-a-whirl after eating a snow cone and a fried pickle...

...a tad dazed and about to blow chow.

The adult romper is something that I might wear at home...big emphasis on the word 'might', but never out in public...if only for the fact that it's such a hassle if you have to go to the bathroom. I wore a pair of bib overall shorts the other day and it took me 10 minutes to unhook the straps, then try to pee without touching the toilet seat while holding the straps up so they didn't fall in the toilet or on the floor. Not fun people...not fun at all.

The little boho sundress is cute...but the boots and bag are ugg-o-lee...not as in "Ugg" brand ugly, but for real butt-fug-ugly. And the leopard dress...well, let me just say that if she didn't purchase it at a retro 1980's thrift store for ten bucks, then I'd be returning it and asking for a refund.

Styled for Heidi Klum by Miss Bea Heyvin

So my little Leibling, please stop with the crazy making...m'kay? Auf to go now...Miss Bea

bravo heidi klum

This is when being in the 'red' is a good thing. I don't know if I could ever pull this off, but I absolutely fell in love with this when I first saw it.

Heidi Klum in Toronto at her "Shine" perfume launch

My guess would be that it also helps to be a gorgeous German supermodel!

I've done all black before, but I don't know that I have the chutzpah to go all red. It's gorgeous though, don't you think?

Come to think of it, there are other famous people who can get away with wearing all red.

Well, Supermodel or folklore phenomenon, you too can be seeing red for the holidays for well under $150 (see below). 

Auf Wiedersehen liebchen's and a big holiday Ho! Ho! Ho! to you! Miss Bea

where in the world is mondo guerra?

One of my favorite designers from season 8 of Project Runway was the quirky lovable Mondo Guerra. Rumor has it that both Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum were huge fans and heavily candidated for Mondo to win the whole shebang. But alas, snarky Nina Garcia and her cohort in crime, the 'reservations-for-one-at-the-bitter-bar', Michael Kors, eventually weighed in and swayed the vote toward the yappy boho-blase Gretchen Jones...yawn...zzzzzzzz.

Anyway, I think it was Mondo's use of color and mix of patterns that was so refreshing to me. That coupled with impeccable tailoring and his kind of a new take on retro style, I thought, brought something innovative to the fashion scene. But hey, what do I know...I still believe in granny panties and 'white-out' after Labor Day.

So, I went on a hunt for Mondo and low and behold, found that he's still out there and still stirring up the fashion-pot. His website lovemondotrasho.com has room for improvement, but at least you can see his portfolio and purchase a few items like this cute cute dress for $45.

New York magazine reported recently that he's launching a jewelry line. No firm dates as to when, where, what, but hopefully he'll get picked up by a major retailer and give his design career a kick in the keester.

Photo credit: NY Magazine

Mondo, I wish you all the best. I think you'd be an inspiring creative influence to the currently overtly smug fashion industry. xoxo, Miss Bea

here i go again...

I told myself I wasn't going to do this. There are so many people writing about the fashion at the Academy Awards that really...is it necessary for one more person to blather on about it?

...sigh...I have no self-control...

So here it is, my post-Oscar editorial comments...like the world will now collectively sigh with relief that I have weighed in with my opinion.

...someone get me a life...


I give you Miss Bea Heyvin's 2011 Academy Awards "This-Not This"...brought to you by Robo Rooter and Farm Supply where your poop is our business. (not really...I have a tendency to make stuff up...like that's a surprise...)

Why would you ever wear a dress that has an arrow pointing
to your lady junk 'down under'?
"This" gown by designer Chad Ralph Rucci.

Out of all the designers in the world. Out of all the dresses in the world.
This was the winner?...wow. "This" dress by designer Douglas Hannant.

Put the bacon cheeseburger down and get on a treadmill.
It's not a food addiction, it's called discipline and self-control.
"This" dress by Carolina Herrera.

If a disco ball decided to be a dress, this is what it would look like.
"This" gown by designer Juan Carlos Obando.

Just once Cameron, could you dress like a lady and not like a waitress from Hooters?
"This" dress by designer Lela Rose.

Beautiful girl...check. Great hair...check. Killer shoes...check.
Flawless makeup...check. Polka skirt and disco sparkle vest...check.
"This" gown by designer Monique Lhuillier.

"I think I'll wear little tufts of bunny fur on my shoulders".
Hey Diane...little tip...it's really okay to wear another designers clothing.
In this case, it would have been preferrable.
"This" gown by designer Naeem Khan.

What the H-E-double toothpicks is wrong with Rita Wilson?
I think she has single handedly broken the tacky meter.
"This" gown by Pamela Rowland.

Nice boob hole Cate. "This" gown by Valentino.

You're 53. Granted, you look great, but no one wants to see your
53 year old crusty biscuit anymore. Quit stealing stuff from your daughters
closet and grow up. "This" dress by Prabal Gurung.

That's a yeast infection just waiting to happen...

Red carpet recap...2011 Grammy's

...you know when you're in the grocery store?

...and someone announces "clean up on aisle 9"?

...pretty much my sentiments regarding this years Grammy red carpet.

For best use of duct tape...the award goes to...

For most likely to explode upon sitting down...

Gram'ma Funk...kudos for repurposing your old shower curtain too.

I see your twoo cuhwers are bwack.

I'd like to personally thank Rihanna for reminding us once again 

to just say no to crack.

Home Depot is proud to sponsor Katy Perry as this years Vis Queen.

Katy will be signing autographs later in aisle 7, next to the replacement windows.

Hey Barry? uhmmm, yea...the 1980's called and they'd like you to 

Copacabana yourself into the 2000's.

Three words...

AHHHH-OOOO-GAH!!!